Pokemon Go secretly training child army “to be the very best”
In a day an age when the only outdoor time children have is waddling their roly poly bodies to the car for a trip to the video game store, anything that gets them up and moving must be a great thing, right? Not according to Niantic insider Watashi Yamashi. “It’s all been kept very hush hush outside the company, but it’s well known that our ultimate goal is to train tech savvy super soldiers. Most countries refuse to start military training when it is most beneficial, around the beginning of puberty. Pokemon Go has been the greatest work around for this. A game that encourages cooperation, teamwork, extreme fitness, loyalty and obedience; clearly this is early military training. It does encourage more free thinking than traditional army training though. With the cells spread out all over the world, it is necessary that our “players” be capable of independent thought and action.”
Yamashi went on to describe the meaningless “rewards” the game gives for trivial accomplishments. “The initial medals in the game are there to cater to the “every one wins” mentality of children today. The more they play the fewer medals they receive, weaning them from the constant need for nonsense rewards. Soon they are doing their duty just for a job well done. It’s the same with leveling up. Each level has increasing difficulty to pull children away from the instant gratification of succeeding with minimal effort. It is work to get to level 20, level 40, just like in real life it takes work to become a super soldier.”
“Tech is so important,” he said shaking his head slightly. “Many parents don’t understand that when you put a device in your baby’s hands you are creating a link from the device directly into the childs mind. It makes them easier to control but it also gives them an edge. Have you ever seen Dad struggling to hook up a new flat screen and ten year old junior hooks it up while texting with one hand and using the other to help Anonymous hack Al Quedas Twitter feed with gay porn. These are the tech geniuses we want and they all seem to be moderately proficient now a days.”
When asked about the physical training Yamashi laughed. “Did you know that 93% of all 10K eggs are Magikarp. There is a lot of motion involved in this game. Climbing fences, running, all these things make for better stronger soldiers. Many of these children have developed tans, lost weight and become physically fit. We get emails every day from parents thanking us because their children’s diabetes has gone away, they’ve lost weight, they don’t get chest pains going to the fridge anymore. Even the dogs are getting walked. But we are watching cheaters,” he warned. “Driving slow in cars, or golf carts, we know who you are and cheating will not be tolerated. We need fit soldiers not lazy ones.”
What about the hard to get pokemon? He had this to say. “There are only six legendary pokemon in the entire world. Not six you personally can collect, just six for everyone to share in the entire game. One is in the rare 100k eggs we haven’t released yet and two of the others are in some of the most inhospitable regions in the world. For instance Mewtwo is in the bottom of the Mariana Trench and Mew is within 20 feet of the top of Mt. Everest. Moltres, Zapdos, Articuno, the team mascots will be released in a world wide special event. The top five hundred players in each team will get their orders to report to a specific hidden location via the app. There will be a no holds barred competition to determine the winners of these legendary pokemon. Obviously, the last five rounds will be to the death, because while teamwork is vitally important, the prestige of owning these pokemon will assuredly cause some hard feelings. The winners will need a little breathing room to cement their hold as second in command. You see, the team leaders are all based on our real commanders. They have code names to protect their identities until the time is right. Our leader, the Duchess of Cambridge insisted on this. But I’ve already said too much,” he chuckled.