Halloween Cancelled due to Clowns
In lieu of recent events across the United States of America, world leaders have declared that Halloween across the globe has been cancelled and instead moved to December, in the hopes that the recent common Clown antics will have ceased to happen in America. Clowns have been seen staring into windows, following people, threatening schools, and robbing hotels, so in order to protect the humans of the world, on October 31, there will be curfews implemented of 5:30 pm, all around the world. This is to insure that no one is out after dark, therefore no clowns can terrorize their fellow man. All grocery stores are to immediately stop selling bulk candy, and replace it with fresh fruits and vegetables. All costume and party stores are to pull all costumes from their shelves, especially clown costumes, and burn them. Please replace costumes with white clothing only. Halloween decorations are asked to be removed from houses immediately, in order to quash the Halloween spirit and cancel all Halloween parties. Gatherings in general on October 31 are asked to be no greater than 4 people, with no party games and no festive food. All schools are asked to skip teaching about Halloween and instead teach about mathematics or gym. Children are asked to only play dress up in the confines of their own homes, and adults are asked to remain vigilant about stopping any imagination play. All Halloween movies and television shows have been taken off the air. If anyone is caught buying candy or a costume, they will be fined $5,000 or spend 60 days in jail. If anyone is caught out after curfew on October 31, they will be fined $10,000 and spend 30 days in jail. When asked his thoughts on the subject, a former Idahoan Mayor said, “Although these measures may seem drastic, this is the point we are at. You can never be too careful when it comes to clowns and safety.” Please report any and all sightings of Halloween costumes to your local Halloween Safety Squads. Anyone that would like to participate in the HSS, please begin your training now as it is a very rigorous and lengthy process to get certified. All complaints and concerns can be submitted to the Office of the costume Inspector General or through the Halloween Safety Squad where they can be forwarded to the proper offices. Thank you for any and all cooperation.