PETA returns Mitch McConnell to native habitat
After extensive partisan bickering in the senate over animal rights, PETA has been allowed to return Mitch McConnell (R-KY) to his natural habitat, where he is expected to help repopulate the native population. The reaction has been mixed across party lines, with republican senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) remarking that “I’ll miss McConnel, it always made my day to see him grazing for vegetables in the white house garden. Then again, it would be nice to not have so many heat lamps on the senate floor.”
Across party lines, Environmentally minded democrats such as Chuck Schumer (D-NY) noted that “It’s been a huge win for us here, McConnell is essential to the habitat of the central Kentucky wildlife refuge. He’ll be happier with his own kind, and its a relief for us to not get stuck behind him on the elevator.” When asked for comment on PETA’s success, McConnell receded into his shell.
As a part of PETA’s political efforts, it has been waging a campaign to reintroduce endangered politicians back to their local habitats, with McConnell being the second such victory. Earlier this year, Steve Bannon was returned to his native micro-ecosystem in a remote Siberian cave, which is home to many endangered species. A PETA spokesman noted that Bannon’s natural diet of cave spiders and sulfur has improved his health and that of the cave’s ecosystem, while McConnell is expected to readily mate and repopulate his species. With the vacant seat left by the Kentucky senator, McConnell is expected to be replaced by a local chicken enthusiast.