Last Greybeard Rhino Killed by Vegan Animal Rights Group
As we are all aware, the rate of declining diversity of animal species on a global scale is on par with that of the mass extinctions that occurred before mankind’s reign during several distinct ice ages. This is noted by many scientists who study what is known as the geological time scale. The difference between extinction events of present? Instead of jumbo moon-sized ice sheets glaciating entire regions, humans are just plain taking a defecation on all other non-human life forms across the map–except for any and all forms of useless dog species because what lady of the nudes doesn’t like to post herself on twitter with a furry bug-eyed ornament that says “I’m a neutered male and still worships this biatch.”
Anyway, because of the saddening news regarding all the unheard deaths of millions of animal species happening worldwide, pro-lifers of the animal kingdom have turned up the dirty with a new tactic–killing the last of the Greybeard Rhinos. It’s estimated that only a few of these strangelings are left in the African Sahara and so, posting with their vegan signs, this horned beast apparently took its last breath among the Respect All Animals Group on a photo uploaded to every craigslist casual encounters section on the morning of October 24th with a caption that read, “Still feeling horny, baby?” Seemingly, the vegans also are working with a California sex toy manufacturer called Horny Jihad for Jaculators so that they may use the horn as a replica to make what they describe as “the world’s most uncomfortable dildo ever made.” When asked what they hoped to achieve, they stated that they hope everyone purchases a dildo and sticks it in their anus to experience what it’s like to live “all alone in the wilderness without anybody else to mate with.” Moreover, they also hope to start a “global conversation campaign on conservationism in order to preserve all species, big and small of the earth.” Angelina Jolie is expected to speak in her support of the group at the UN in the upcoming months.
In some of the pictures posted by the organization, several activists can be seen siphoning the blood from the rhino out of a portal made convenient by a decapitation from an axe not too dissimilar from Gimli’s, a dwarven character straight out of Lord of the Rings. Other members can be seen cutting off the ivory horn with an attachable bone saw now made available on the new iphone due to Apple’s long awaited Power Tools On the Go App. When interviewed about the blood letting ceremony of the rhino, Sarah Mars, a woman in her 40’s with blonde hair claiming to be 50% Cherokee stated the following: “We’re going to put this in some f*$*ing kid’s birthday punch bowl because they don’t even f%&#ing know. They don’t even know the mass extinction that they’re causing, but pretty soon they will. Soon, we’re going to be drinking our children’s children’s blood.” When pressed further, Mars soon went dark, unavailable the following day when it was discovered she had contracted Malaria from the rhino blood she ingested. Currently, she is now expected to make a full recovery after being flown to the U.S. for its unsurpassable medical care. Apparently, it has surfaced that the bone saw app was used to show how modern technology is destroying biodiversity on planet earth. To consider any comments from Apple regarding how their new power tool app is being used, our investigative team reached out to company. We are still waiting for a reply.