Forget chemtrails, toilet paper is what they use to control us
Since the early 1970s, a vocal minority across the world has clamored about the dangers of “chemtrails”, or the visible trail left behind jets in transit. This vocal minority banded together in 1978 to form a group known as the Society of Enlightened Citizens of the World Fighting Illuminati Overlords (SECWFIO). SECWFIO garnered support through the years, spreading their enlightenment and fighting the use of chemical and biological agents on unsuspecting citizens.
In 1993, the Society’s history took a dark turn. Christopher Boonstra, chairman of the Western Hemisphere division, accepted the mission to go undercover as an American government agent. His mission was to lead a team to infiltrate the CIA and expose their use of chemtrails on the American people. Boonstra and his team succeeded in stage one of their mission-to become gainfully employed at CIA headquarters in Washington, D.C. They began work on April 11th, 1993. Christopher Boonstra was never heard from again.
On August 23rd, 2016, SECWFIO and Boonstra CIA infiltration team member Blake Emerson emerged from the depths of the CIA underbelly. His appearance was shocking: as pale as a Transylvanian, as wispy as a willow branch, with a wild, fearful look in his eyes. He turned up at SECWFIO headquarters in Tallahassee, Florida. As he told his story, Emerson’s whole person shook, and he checked over his shoulder constantly.
“When we (Boonstra’s team) began our work at CIA headquarters, we were immediately assigned work in the top secret Citizen Control division. Christopher had marketed himself as an expert in biological control quite effectively, and the Director was anxious to get our team working on the latest project. After a week of working in the lab, our cover was blown. Christopher met with the Director about the project, and alluded to controlling the population with chemtrails. Immediately, the Director called for security. Our team was rounded up and cast into underground cells. Through others locked up around us, we learned that Christopher’s mention of chemtrails gave away our SECWFIO affiliation, as every agent knows chemtrails are a farce.
The government has been developing biological agents to control the population, and that was the project for which we were hired. But, we were wrong as to their means of distributing the agents. Of course it would be the one thing everyone uses in an intimate manner! It’s genius! All along, we were afraid of the air above us, when the problem was staring right at us in the bathroom. It’s the toilet paper. They’ve done it. They’re controlling everyone. Through toilet paper.”
Emerson passed out after giving this testimonial, and was taken to the hospital to recover. We later learned that the rest of Boonstra’s team, including Christopher himself, were used to test variations of the toilet paper project. According to Emerson, he is the lone survivor. Unfortunately, it is Blake’s word against the government’s. And so, it is likely that his tale will go down as a silly conspiracy theory, disregarded except for the occasional punch line in a conspiracy theorist joke.